I hope I make it till the Spring.
Winter day. (Photo credit: la1cna)
(I lost two brother’s to suicide 1987-1988. I learn to be kinder and hold silence when anger appear. I keep a wide open door for family today. Sometimes we learn too late to save the people we love and care for. I found an old journal from 1988. This was the poem I wrote after the second brother funeral)
I hope I make it till the Spring.
I hope I make it till the Spring.
The Spring is when the world comes alive.
When the Winter days fade away to memories and
warm days heat up the hearts and dreams.
Yesterday the cold of Winter was for us to hold on tighter,
to keep each other warm, but somehow life had become a
search for a reason to be.
I looked to the past, but I don’t feel hope.
I saw the many mistakes made.
I can see the many beautiful moment too,
I feel they haunt me more than the bad.
I remember when life was easy.
All dreams in reach.
Today I feel that my life has become a useless journey.
Just aiming at useless dreams, not needing affection.
Like love creates more pain than sweetness.
Where do you look to bring laughter where there is only sadness?
Where do you find smiles when life becomes only a journey toward death?
Am I a coward?
Because I fear tomorrow.
Am I the cause of my pain?
I feel I have chosen my journey.
For I have touched the pinnacle of love,
reached power and money but I was never complete.
I never found happiness.
Maybe I chose the wrong direction.
I wish to be born anew.
I know only I can open the door to love and forgiveness.
I must find new dreams and hope.
Where do I begin?
I seen to fall on the same path. Money and work.
I don’t need friendship and I don’t even need the gentleness
of a woman touch.
Am I pass the road to know happiness?
Can I find the thirst to be happy?
Is it too late to learn to love?
I don’t know if i have any desire left.
In the Spring.
Maybe I will feel strong again.
Feel the energy of hope.
Maybe the warm days of Spring will rebirth the want
to love and know laughter again.
In the Spring.
I will find hope again.
Coyote
John Castellenas
What a powerful poem, John. So moving. I know this was a long time ago for you.. but, this has been a very trying year for myself and so many others.. and, this poem is hitting home with me today. Doing all I can to help the ones I love, and it doesn’t seem like nearly enough.
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I learn the hard way. Being kind is necessary and thank you dear Samantha.
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John, I recently lost a very close friend to suicide…I feel your loss…sometimes the pain is too much for a person–i like to think that they are in a place where this is only love surrounding them…hugs to you…you have carried their memory on…
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It happen 25 years ago. I learn to be wiser and kinder. Thank you for the kind words.
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I love the honesty of this poem. The pain and the sorry and the fear is so simple and so heartfelt. I have not lost a family member to suicide but I tried and actually did kill myself and was revived. So I endear stand life differently than before and it helps me feel the need for spring. Beautifully done. Glad you found it and shared it.
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I’m glad you survived. No-one was near my two brothers. Hung themselves leaving no notes. Left a lot of unanswered questions and regret.
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Sorry I missed this. Don’t know what happened . I’m sorry you lost your brother. It’s a weird thing to consider from any point of view but in the moment it seems perfectly logical. Again I’m sorry.
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John, I am originally from Michigan so I know about the hard winters too, but finally had to leave for warmer weather. My family recently lost two loved ones to suicide in a matter of a couple of years; one was a beautiful young man of 25 and the other a loving father and grandfather who was the kindest and gentlest man. The depth of sorrow and pain is one that cannot be described or imagined by someone fortunate enough not to have endured such losses. Your poem (as usual) touched my heart deeply and brought tears to my eyes. There are no words to console; only time has the power to lessen the pain. God bless you.
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24 years later. You still miss the laughter of the family and friends who left too soon. Thank you for the comment.
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I really love your poetry, its so easy to relate to. It also brings hope and makes me think. Take care and keep writing.
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Thank you Brandi for the comment. I hope I can make people think. Goal of writer’s. Create reaction and change if we are lucky.
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Hello coyote, I enjoy reading your blog and therefore have nominated you for the Versatile Blogger award.
Still not sure how this all works, but click here to find out: http://fairytaleepidemic.wordpress.com/2013/01/15/351-blog-awards/
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Thank you for the nomination. I do appreciate.
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Even then you were in touch with your feelings. Beautiful writing, sad, but real. I lost my brother in 2006…in a different way…to drugs and alcohol. I try to be more patient and understanding now as well. You never know when someone will be gone one day. Thank-you again for sharing.
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While I never had a brother, yet always wished I had, I did bury a daughter. We are not meant to outlive our children. It was many years ago and it was today.
Sometimes, we wonder why things must go on. If we work hard and are open to possibilities, we do find things that we keep going for.
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I remember my brother’s and missed people. I learn that is all we can do. Thank you for the comment.
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I am so very sorry John. Spring is just around the corner. We need you poetry and your perspective. Positive thoughts are winging your way!
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A old poem. I lost my two brother’s in 1987-1988. I joined a war to forget. It worked. I travel the world and I learn to be kinder. Thank you for the comment.
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Very sad about those beautiful people and your loss. Your words are brave and touch me with hope though, to appreciate people and the good things around much more . Bless you.
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Thank you for the comment. We need to appreciate the good people and things in a life.
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Dear John,
I have nominated you for The Versatile Blogger Award. Go here: http://evaxthepoetess.wordpress.com/2013/01/13/the-versatile-blogger-award/
🙂
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Thank you Eva for the nomination. I do appreciate.
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You’re very welcome. You deserve it. 🙂
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A poignant read. Sorry for the loss of your brothers. It is a testing time when you lose your loved ones and become unsure of how things will be moving forward. Rightly said, kindness is the key.. Thanks for sharing this piece.
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Maybe Kindness it the real lesson that all our suffering wants to teach us?
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I agree. We must learn the hard way to be kind in words and in action. Thank you for the comment.
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John, I haven’t had a brother kill himself but several of my friends did. And once I held a gun to my head preparing to end it all. Now I wonder if I’m tough enough to face the years ahead. On the other hand I’ve seen the anguish of those left behind and I’ve asked myself endless questions about what I could have done to help. There are no easy answers.
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Most times many people take the blame. Suicide create a mountain of grief and sadness. Thank you for the comment.
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Nice. I enjoy The Poem
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Thank you Daniel for the comment.
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Thank you for posting your beautiful words – the way you put them together to bring out something both powerful and quiet. It brought back sorrow but gave me comfort. I’ve lost two to suicide in my family. It is hard to find the words or even feelings. I couldn’t in my case. The most difficult is trying to explain, or not to explain to others. Hugs.
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I have a niece who is 24 year old now. Asked question about my brother. These are the moments where there are no answers. Thank you for the comment.
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This is a remarkable and real presentation of crushed innocence and joy. The questions are honest. The need for rebirth is compelling. To reach some devastated hearts with this extent of understanding is to help start the healing process for others who thought there was no possible connection. Excellent, John Coyote…Doug
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Thank you Doug for the comment. Life teaches us to be kinder.
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You have me in tears, John. I am so sorry. And I am comforted by your approach on lineage: I like how you see your brothers in your grandchildren. And yes, I believe the children carry a piece of what was lost. You are so right, of course, to treasure them.
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Life can be hard. We are taught many things. My grandfather taught me. Family came first and I forgot. Today I’m like my grandfather. Big smile and kind words. Too much negative in our world already. Thank you for the comment.
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Extremely sad, but your words have paid a tribute to them….may it help other souls along the way.
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You are correct. Thank you for the comment.
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I am sorry for your loss John! I honor you, beautiful soul, Thank You for sharing your heart, such a beautiful heart you have
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Was a hard time. I volunteer to go war to lose the memory. Army gave me purpose to be alive. Good people and opportunity to travel allowed me to learn life had many possibilities.
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I’m so pleased your soul chose to stay..you are a light
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I wonder my beautiful friend what that heart of yours truly feels today…
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I learn to be kinder and wiser. Thank you for the comment.
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A poem from a hurting heart. I’m glad you survived your winter and felt the warmth of spring, albeit many years ago. You are a poet to inspire. 🙂
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Thank you for the kind words. Most of us must learn the hard ways.
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Amazing poem and amazing courage to share it with us. I personally think you are inredibly talented. I’d also like to thank you for your support. It really motivates me to see such. talented wroters as yourself take interest in my work.
Thank you,
Mylifeinablg 🙂
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We hope people read and words. Take something with them. I try to motivate the young writer’s. A word-man/woman can change the world. Thank you for the comment.
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Spring is a time to be born anew and that is my wish for all,especially you!
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I was reborn. 4 children and 2 grand-boys later. I have become the Grandfather who watches the kids and spoil them. I see the faces of my brothers in my children. Thank you for the kid words and comment.
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Thank you for opening up your soul and sharing your words and feelings, I hope it helps you as it does for me.
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You have been through so much thank you for sharing it much have taken some courage, beautiful poem.
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Their death made me change my values. Most of us learn too late kindness and love is what we leave behind.
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This is such a moving message with hope at its end. Thanks for putting it our there so that others may find strength. Peace and blessings.
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Their death taught me money and power mean little when you are alone. Better to be kind than always demanding. Thank you for the comment.
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This is so touching and honest. Thank you for sharing.
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Thank you Dieu for the comment. I appreciate you stopping by.
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I am sorry for your loss John. And our Michigan winters are so difficult. Dark and dank. Be well.
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I don’t mind the Winter’s. I came back for them. Just a old poem. Maybe someone will learn. Not all of us are strong and sometime we need help. Thank you for the comment.
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