I hate you, I love you


I hate you, I love you

I try to escape you. I try to flee your memory. I repeat secret words in hidden places in my mind. I hate you, I love you. I can’t forget you.

In intoxicating dreams, I see you dear Elena. I repeat the memory of us. Your lover leaving you with me and she told me, “keep her busy,” and she rushed to new territory to explore. You wrapped your legs over my lap, and lay your head upon my shoulder and whispered. “You are the only one who worship and love me. Please Johnnie. Don’t run from me. Please come and stay with me. I’m alone all day. Every afternoon. I whispered a secret wish. You would appear at my door. Your adoring eyes making me feel perfect and beautiful. I need someone to make me feel sexy and wanted.”

In real life, we end-up alone too often. We wait at the bus-stop for children and grandchildren. You and I. We arrive early daily.  Our eyes dart with consuming glances, making wishes of the small sin that cannot be forgiven. I told you often. We share one love, one lie and run from the amorous kiss. You would save me and I would make you feel free of a fake smile and lonely life.

You whispered to my wanting ear. “The wisp of the temptation of sacred kiss and unwashed memories. Leave us longing and lingering in things we should not taste or touch. If we do. Would we begin a legacy of need that would grow till we escape or die in a prison of a fragile and fake love. You are free tomorrow and I’m alone. Please come to me. If you hesitate.  Maybe you and I are just wishes and a tale of myth and tale” I told her. The vulnerability of falling into places of mystery. It will be imprinted upon heart and mind till death do us part. I hate you , I love you.  You are my first and last wish dear love. I will be knocking on your door in the morning my lovely Elena.

I arrived at your door and before I can knock you opened the door wearing a white t-shirt, flowing auburn hair, eyes of hazel green and showing me Winter pale slim legs and skin. You stood barefooted and so damned pretty. I told you. I’m here and you are so beautiful. You took my hand and you took me to warm and cozy bed. We lay in deep silence in hard embrace and I kissed your neck, shoulder, face and lips. You whispered. “Talk to me Johnnie. Make me feel like I’m the only one. Please listen to my dreams and hopes. Allow me to be real and make my aches of need to be covered with the sweet kindness of love. I want a thousand kisses and many morning dances. I want us to be beckoned by old needs of passion without regret and drink coffee till the 1pm hour daily.  I know we are the thieves of a blessed love that cannot be seen or brought to the real daylight. You can escape now or stay. Create a utopia for two empty people needing reasons to be alive or be left with a love barely attempted.”

I kissed her a hundred times and I whispered. All things fall into place. You and I are destined to find the same road one night. You are my Agnes and I shall become your Hemingway. I will never leave you or forget you my dear Elena.

John Castellenas/Coyote

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