Who am I now?
Who am I now?
1992
2019
We are the same, we are different. I believe we want the same things and some of us want more and some of us want less. Some of us dance on a thin line of insanity, some of us are the walking dead. I believe we forgot our real face and few people show their real face to me. I believe women are more raw than men. They rarely show real face and men. We become like the soldiers of war. The blankness of nothingness appeared on our face and we cannot see with the vision of the days of brave and reckless youth.
I have known woman who showed me their real face, their real voices. I loved the women who told me like it was and like it shall be. I loved the women who made me listen, made me love with madness, made me pray and made me see the real world. Somehow we accepted the world as-is. We need people who are willing to get drunk, get mad, know how to cry and know how to scream in anger to the sea.
Today my face is a stranger face. No-one had seen my real face in many moons. The scary part, my real face, my real thoughts and my real dreams. Been dead and buried for many years. I be-faced my life with strangers now. Even in my home, I have photos of a brave man and books of poetry written for a wild man who wanted to save his world. I am a ghost of what I was.
I wanted to be Ernest once, I wanted to travel like Jack London and I wanted to taste the bitterness of Kosinski words. For 10 years, I gave-up everything and I drank in life. In my days of roaming Highway one in California and Highway 35. I told the world to leave me alone and f-off. I found people like me. I found surfers in California, who befriended me and they taught me to be part of the sea, part of nature. They taught me to stay up all night, drinking till you could not. They taught me life can be wall-less and free. I didn’t need the damnation of big house, fancy car and pretender I was important. The surfers taught me, be fearless, live hard and you cannot stop death. Dear Highway one, taught me I could write, be more than a slave to money. I became the dark poet for a New York second
I loved Texas. Kindest and truest people I ever known. They loved you or hated you. I befriended many and I became the poet I suppose to be. I dated the most dangerous women and they accepted me. Beautiful dancers danced for me in the safety of their home and I wrote words for them. They taught me to make love with the light on and they showed me their secret places. I saw them glad, I saw them sad and I saw them crazy. I learn when you love someone, you accept their crazy and they accept your madness too. The day of being bare-ass all day, drinking the vodka and juice. Not caring about the world trying to kill the freedom we knew. I loved those ladies still and I hope they remember the days of loco. Once a Texas beauty, and I, we befriended a Apache near Fort Hood. We roamed for three days with him and his family to his home, to private land, blessed land. We create a sweat lodge of free wood, burned sage, drank the desert juice tequila and we spend a day barely cloths in the sweat lodge. We drank peyote tea and we dreamed. My kind Apache friend allowed us to stay in a cabin with the Texas desert in view of open windows, empty of noise. A beautiful quiet. He was kind to me for two years and he taught me. I was one with earth, I could be a spirit of hope. A warrior for peace. I learn to love my Ojibwa blood.
The people of Texas made me laugh, learn to dance the Texas two-step and life need to be celebrated. I loved the Texas girls, they were fearless. I once believed the California girl would be the wild ones. The women of California, they were easy in spirit and they knew a deep calmness. I did love them but my spirit prefer the surfers. Men and women who screamed at the sea, sang song to the moon, sang song to the sun. Who loved the sea and they danced with her.
Now I dream of Big Sur, now I dream of Austin Texas. I know Johnnie is gone, the mad poet, the dark poet and the midnight dancer and drinker is gone. I fear I became Salinger. I gave in and I accepted silence. I wanted to become a famous writer, to save someone or something. Now 10 books laying stored away and I now wrote my words on the internet to people who are kind enough to read my work.
Maybe in the quiet of the coronaviras, I will go to Lake St. Clair and scream to the beautiful water. I need a wild soul today to make me dance with the sea, walk in the clouds again and for me to be brave. Maybe this year I will publish my hidden words, maybe I will stand on the corner with a sign with words. No-one win in war. Stop war before she come to your home. Quit being the silence man.
I know we decide our place, our ending. The question, all of us should ask ourselves. What did I do in my life? Did I do anything good? Was I a blessing to earth or just another thief stealing the gifts of nature? I cannot find my real face no-more. Maybe I need a sweat lodge, clean-up the waste in my body and mind I am drowning in. Please be safe, please be kind to yourself and be kind to strangers. This is our world and maybe if we show real face. The truth would be told.
Dancing Coyote
You sure do know how to write from the heart..
LikeLiked by 1 person
Hello dear Sue. I followed my father path and I learn my father lessons. I believe. We must test life, be brave and only believe what you can see and touch. Thank you for reading and the comment. I do appreciate.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I’m finding it difficult to be brave lately. So it’s interesting that you said that. This is what I needed to hear right now. You have given me kind and useful advice, at a time when I needed it most, as angels often do.
Thankyou John.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Dear Sue. We must be brave. The world is hard on us and the family. I go forward for my children and the grandchildren. You are welcome my friend.
LikeLiked by 1 person
You’ve certainly lived an interesting life so far, keep writing John, your words are valuable!
LikeLiked by 1 person
I did and I am still trying to do more dear Tiffany. I tell the young people. Travel, test life and have fun. I teach my grandchildren. Be kind to nature and to the people of our world. Old and wisest wisdom. Do one thing daily, you love. Thank you for reading and the comment. I do appreciate.
LikeLike
I love reading your words John. I find truth in them. Comfort, even in the hard truths. There’s always a certain comfort in truth.
LikeLiked by 1 person
It is hard to look at your life. Hard to fix your life and if we don’t. One day, we will regret we didn’t. Thank you for reading and the comment my friend. Be careful and be safe my friend.
LikeLiked by 1 person
A great piece of writing. Inspired by your words.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you dear Kritika. I appreciate the comment.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Well done, Coyote. And thanks for the great comments about Texas women. 😉
LikeLiked by 1 person
I loved the Texas women, they were honest and carry a gun. I loved Belton, Texas and Austin. I did five poetry reading in Austin, many moon ago. Thank you Carolyn for reading and the comment.
LikeLiked by 1 person
You are a wonderful writer, one of the best I’ve come across. I identify with you because I live in the places you write about. You should publish your work or sell it on Amazon Kindle more aggressively, the world is digital now. I would love to read it if you put a link in your blog for it.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Thank you for reading and the kind words. Later this year. I will self-publish. Need time and money. I appreciate the comment. I hope you are doing well and be safe my friend.
LikeLiked by 1 person
All well ,holed in, you stay safe as well John. Looking forward to reading your work.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I am still working. I am a overnight pharmacy manager. I am fine, keep my distance and drinking baking soda and water. Twice daily. Try to keep busy and be safe.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I’m curious about drinking baking soda and water. Does it have benefits?
LikeLiked by 1 person
I researched the Spanish flu and a 100 year old woman who survived. Her family was the only family to not get the Spanish flu in her city. Her mother gave her the baking soda and water every morning. Her family ensured the sick people in her city. Baking soda, old world cure and Central American today. I been using for three weeks. I feel the best I have felt in year. I do the dandelion tea and I am eating right also. It is a natural cleaning of the body, taste terrible. Had helped me. We need to listen to the people who survived the hardest days.
LikeLiked by 1 person
That is very interesting to know. Thank you for this information.
LikeLiked by 1 person
You do know how to make me cry and think and feel. Thank you ❤️
LikeLiked by 1 person
I know you would like. I do teach my grandchildren to love the lakes, shoot bone arrows and they are wild children. Thank you for reading and the comment. I hope you are doing well, I know you had some hard days. Be safe my friend.
LikeLiked by 1 person