I hope I make it till the Spring..

(I lost two brother’s to suicide 1987-1988.  I learn to be kinder and hold silence when anger appear. I keep a wide open door for family today. Sometimes we learn too late to save the people we love and care for. I found an old journal from 1989. This was the poem I wrote after the second brother funeral)

I hope I make it till the Spring.

I hope I make it till the Spring.
The Spring is when the world comes alive.
When the Winter days fade away to memories and
warm days heat up the hearts and dreams.

Yesterday the cold of Winter was for us to hold on tighter,
to keep each other warm, but somehow life had become a
search for a reason to be.

I looked to the past, but I don’t feel hope.
I saw the many mistakes made.
I can see the many beautiful moment too,
I feel they haunt me more than the bad.

I remember when life was easy.
All dreams in reach.
Today I feel that my life has become a useless journey.
Just aiming at useless dreams, not needing affection.
Like love creates more pain than sweetness.

Where do you look to bring laughter where there is only sadness?
Where do you find smiles when life becomes only a journey toward death?

Am I a coward?
Because I fear tomorrow.
Am I the cause of my pain?

I feel I have chosen my journey.
For I have touched the pinnacle of love,
reached power and money but I was never complete.
I never found happiness.

Maybe I chose the wrong direction.
I wish to be born anew.

I know only I can open the door to love and forgiveness.
I must find new dreams and hope.

Where do I begin?
I seen to fall on the same path. Money and work.
I don’t need friendship and I don’t even need the gentleness
of a woman touch.

Am I pass the road to know happiness?
Can I find the thirst to be happy?
Is it too late to learn to love?
I don’t know if i have any desire left.

In the Spring.
Maybe I will feel strong again.
Feel the energy of hope.
Maybe the warm days of Spring will rebirth the want
to love and know laughter again.

In the Spring.
I will find hope again.

John Castellenas