Will I find you tonight?

 Will I find you tonight?

Walkaway love left me waiting for her to return.

I remember her black dress and beautiful face. She told me. Dark Poet, We can sing and dance all night long. She reached over and gave me kisses and whispered. The night is never long enough and never enough good whiskey. Damn life don’t want us to know any kind of utopia. We are doomed to swim in shit.

Black skies and wild sea was our paradise. By the light of the Monterey moon. We made promises we couldn’t keep. She had her songs and I had the poetry and the Army. 

At the small studio apartment. I watched her paint her face and blacken her nails. I saw in her eyes. She was  preparing her mind.  She wanted to play the guitar with hatred. Wild and sweet Lily lived hard and I scared the shit out of her.

She found me reading dead-man poetry at the Monterey book store in 1992. Words of dead brothers and war. She sat with me on a Winter night by the sea. She told me, I like you. You are like me, not faking false smiles and sweet dreams.  You have accepted the bullshit of life.

I remember her apartment. Fresh plants and a small bed. A small refrigerator and table near the window. You could see the main street. I remember us drinking coffee and talking of great dreams. She told me nothing last forever lover. What matters is what we do tonight and us finding places where we can go deep and far away from real life.

I watched her playing Stewart, the Doors and Led Zeppelin in the lateness of Winter. She was wearing her t-sheet of white and she raised her eyes up and she asked me. Am I beautiful? Am I worth a damn thing? How long will you stay with me?

I put a Leonard cassette in. Leonard deep voice and song made her rise up and she danced. She took off the t-sheet. Moved slow and easy to the song “A thousand kisses deep”.  I got up and I told her. I have become lost in you and I know you can’t own love. Love is free to give and can lead us to a madness of no return.

We laid together in soft sheets and blankets for six months. We tried to hide away and wear away dead memory and  create allusion of me and her. She left for Europe in the Spring of 1993. She was my wild bird and I knew I was blessed to had held her. I told her at the airport. You are so beautiful. As beautiful as the free range, the vast sea and the deep forest. You are special. A sweet dream for anyone you want to love. I will stay with you as long as you need me my love. I will look for you when you are gone in the wild waves of the Pacific. I will hear your words in the music.

She kissed me with soft tears falling from her blues eyes and she whispered. Dark Poet live. You made me live and laugh. I’m living my dreams because of you. If you die again. Was my kiss and embrace worth anything?

I drink the whiskey and I wait. I look to the stars filled sky and I do a simple prayer. I need you. I want you. I’m lost without you. You were my sunshine and my sweet place to rest in the cold night. Will I find you tonight?

                          Coyote/John Castellenas